State of Being

Having had to cancel time off and being called into work this past week (and even a little this morning, already), I feel like I didn't get a proper Christmas break, or have a chance to adequately reflect on the past year. There were also a few blog posts that I had started weeks ago that have never seen the light of day, since work was a little nuts for the rest of the month. So even though it is already January 2, I hope you'll accept these last personal reflections from me on the past year. I feel like I need them going into what looks like an already hectic 2021. 

Surviving COVID-19 (or not) as a person with depression  

For about a week in November, I listened to a 10-minute guided meditation by JoAnna Hardy each morning while lying in bed and before getting up. The meditation is specifically a check on one's "state of being" before properly starting the day: the current physical, emotional and mental state upon waking, without applying any judgment.

This got me thinking about my current levels of well-being, and how that baseline is different now than pre-COVID times. I'm prone to depressive tendencies, so as you might imagine, living through a pandemic as a person with a history of depression has been challenging. I really struggled with my depression as a young adult but over time, figured out the coping strategies that worked best for me: being around friends, taking time off from work, minimizing the stressors where I had some degree of control - and of course, the running. 

"Lockdown" declared the word of the year for 2020 by
Collins Dictionary, after a sharp rise in its usage
during the pandemic © PA Media

When the pandemic first kicked into high gear in March, like everyone, I found adjusting to the new world order difficult. Working from home, social distancing, PPE - none of these were norms at the time, and so much of the COVID-19 vernacular that is commonplace today only just started to come into use. But we all started to shift our behaviours, and our attitudes. We exclaimed being "all in this together," and actually felt like we were.

A few months went by, and with restrictive public health orders in effect throughout most the holidays, at times that sense of camaraderie felt all but gone. People became frustrated. They were angry. Many were tired of working from home, not seeing their friends. Individuals who live alone were through with being excluded from conversations when hearing the term "household," and directives not referring to them at all. Then news started coming in about Canadian politicians taking Christmas holidays in sunny destinations like Hawaii, St. Barts and Barbados, despite orders for all Canadians to stay the f*ck home. 

In addition to this growing discord amongst the populace, from my perspective, I was also unable to access the coping mechanisms I had become accustomed to - no in-person visits with friends thanks to social distancing, no running due to injuries, very limited time off from work because of the pandemic - and was constantly trying to find new and healthy ways to manage the overwhelm I was starting to feel, just willing for the depression to be kept at bay. (To this day, much like others, I still have to work at incorporating small ways to cope, every single day.)  

To say the least, it was, and is, a lot, whether you suffer from depression or not. 

Comparing your own with others' experiences is a recipe for disaster

In the fall, I came across a(nother) survey, being run jointly by the Conference Board of Canada, Sprott School of Business and Carleton University in Ottawa. The researchers were trying to learn more about how COVID-19 is impacting the well-being of employed Canadians: 

COVID-19 has resulted in unprecedented work/life situations for Canadian employees, particularly those who are faced with the challenge of being productive for work while also providing care and home-schooling to their children, and/or care to elderly parents who are particularly vulnerable to health complications from COVID-19.

While such challenges are likely to be consequential for Canadians and their families, we lack information about how COVID-19 is impacting the well-being of employed Canadians during this time. How are employees coping with the multiple, complex, and evolving challenges posed by trying to balance changes in their employment situation (e.g., working from home or providing essential services outside the home) and caring conditions (e.g., home schooling children, physical distancing from elderly family members, losing social and medical supports) during the pandemic? 

To help us answer these questions and more, we are asking you to complete a survey designed to help us understand the impact of COVID-19 on you and your family. 

As I was answering the questions, it became clear to me that my day-to-day activities, while they may look slightly different from "before times," have gone largely unchanged. For one: I still have a job, so can continue to pay my bills and feed myself. My elderly mother, while isolated, remains fairly independent and able to care for herself without the need for constant attention. With no kids, home schooling, making alternate work arrangements, taking time off work or giving up work completely, are all things I haven't needed to worry about. 

From Women in the Workplace: 2020 by McKinsey & Company and LeanIn.Org

Long story short, this survey kind of made me feel like shit for not feeling able to cope "well" at times during the pandemic, with others out there clearly struggling with more than I was having to deal with. My inner voice criticized: "Why are you having such a hard time? There is no reason to feel so bad when others are doing so much worse. What's the matter with you? Get over it, already."  

And as much as I will be the first person to tell a friend that they are 100% entitled to their feelings, no matter the experience of others, I am also the first person, when feeling depressed and/or the need to self-sabotage, to negate or disregard that advice for myself.  

Coping with the current state of being

Back to this morning meditation. JoAnna prompts the listener to assess, "How am I overall, right now?" which seems to me like a loaded question... I mean, see above, and older posts on triggers here, here and here. 

© Allie Brosh

But I realized that, not only are the baselines different, there are more of them. One: there is a baseline of comparing how things are now, compared to before. For example, if I compare my current state of being to pre-COVID times, I always feel a little worse. But if I compare how I'm doing right at that moment to other COVID times, in general, that seems like a fairer assessment.   

And two: there is also a baseline of comparing to others. Why compare your own situation to that of someone who is having a completely different experience? That makes no sense. This baseline should be based on one's own life, and no one else's. 

These types of check-ins have been useful, if for nothing else but to work on observing, without judgment, what each day or moment is like. 

A problem might not even have a solution

My moods are sometimes all over the place; other times, they are non-existent. During this pandemic it seems like I'm feeling everything, or nothing at all. 

Blogger Allie Brosh is one of those writers who is totally open about her experience with depression. I didn't realize this when I came across her work, but it was a serendipitous encounter as I was reading her first book Hyperbole and a Half, just after I'd had my second injury, saw that survey on well-being and found myself really struggling during the second COVID-19 surge in the fall. 

In her entry, Depression: Part Two, she says everything about depression that I was apparently needing to hear, right at the time - feeling disconnected from the things that once brought her joy, complete emotional detachment from things that are happening at any given moment, having to feign real emotion during social interactions - but somehow, in a painfully hilarious and honest way.

One of her observations that really stood out to me, was that of others wanting the depressed person to be more positive, or even offering solutions to make them feel better - which can often be pointless or counterproductive:

That's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.

The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren't necessarily looking for solutions. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though." 

© Allie Brosh

This is prescient, as throughout this pandemic I've eventually learned that it's best to just accept the feelings, or non-feelings, as they are. No sense in fighting them, might as well just let them be. 

Of course, this is hard to do! And it's because we're so conditioned to attributing either positive or negative judgments with certain emotions. But turns out, working on this is one way of coping that doesn't require friends, or physical activity or a vacation from work. 

I would even go so far as to say that a "problem" may not even be a problem at all - rather, just a situation that "is" at that particular moment. Better to just observe and see where it takes you. 

All this to say, that when asking, "How am I overall, right now?" I don't think JoAnna is trying to stress anyone out. It's merely a check. You feel sluggish and slow? You've got neck pain or back pain? Your mind is distracted or wandering or unfocused? That's fine. Not a problem. Accept it and get on with your day.

State of being, right now

My state of being, as of this moment: I'm stressed out thinking about work and being on-call. My heart is heavy thinking about the Christmas break I wasn't able to have, and of all the people I did not get to see in person.

I am also hopeful for anyone else with depression who might read this, and maybe even Depression: Part Two by Allie Brosh (which is dark, comedic and brilliant), and feel a little less alone. And for those who know me, that, in future, they may not try and "fix" what's wrong, but rather accept that things are the way they are, and maybe even express the equivalent of, "Sorry about how dead your fish are," or "Wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though."

If you're still here and have read to the end, thank you. And remember: you are entitled to your own feelings, without judgment and despite what others might say or think. Also, your feelings aren't "good" or "bad," they just are. Hope you have a great day. 

© Allie Brosh